May 2013
1 post
“It is sadder to find the past again and find it inadequate to the present than...”
– F. Scott Fitzgerald
April 2013
5 posts
Bar, Humbug.
If my memory serves me correctly I think I wrote a piece a while back about the types of guys a single girl is likely to meet at a bar. I touched on the peculiarities of some of my encounters and how they all displayed different personalities, ideas of appropriateness, and levels of drunkenness .. but now that I actually work at a bar, I see the types in an even brighter, more horribly florescent...
“And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or...”
– Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without A Country
Couples: As Told By A Bitter Person
As a newly single city gal once more, I’ve had a few weeks to reflect on my life, the lives of others, what it means for me to be alone right now, and what being in a relationship really takes. A lot of deeply personal realizations have come out of all of this, but since more people read this blog than just my mom (I think), I’ll save the major epiphanies for a shrink and stick to what...
This Place is One in A Pavillion
A week or so ago I went to LA with a group of girlfriends to visit our dear friend Kelly. As you can imagine—being that we were a group of nine ladies sharing one bathroom—a lot of shit went down. I imagine I’ll write a couple entries about the trip, seeing as there were a handful of hilarious moments—including but not limited too: informing cab drivers “we shant...
March 2013
3 posts
The Ex Factor II
Back in the day (before Facebook and even cell phones) when you broke up with someone and it was really over, you probably weren’t going to see them unless you went to the same school or you both had a thing for Carnival cruises or elevators or somewhere else you could both be awkwardly trapped.
These days you can’t get away from an ex even if you wanted to. They’re always...
So What, Who Cares?
Lately I’ve been picking apart my life as if it’s a big ol’ dirty scab or a giant burrito with only one ingredient that I actually like.
And unfortunately this discontentment has turned me into a gremlin. A gremlin that acts like the world has done her wrong by forcing her to be queen bitchtastic of crazytown… population: me.
So… I’ve decided to make a list...
Pizza Face
Don’t you hate it when you look in the mirror and the reflection you get makes you think to yourself, “My god, is that thing human? It looks like it needs to have its entire face scraped off and re-upholstered.”
That’s how I look today.
You see I drank last night, and not even a ridiculous amount, just enough to a.) make me wake up way earlier than I needed to and b.) to...
February 2013
2 posts
The Wheels on the Bus Go Nuts and Nuts
Growing up I rode the bus to high school.
Even now, as an adult, I distinctly remember two of my bus drivers; whom I shall describe in the following passage:
One was an angry Native American woman who never spoke unless she was yelling and always kept her hair braided in two grey pigtails.
One day the door fell off of our school bus while it was en route to Gettysburg. Upon reflection, I...
You are sexy. And young!
I went on a date last year with a professor at Georgetown. He was presumptuous and smart and 38 and has been on CNN, or so he says.
I was nervous about the age difference going into the date, which was made blatantly obvious by my shaky drinking hand. Every time I’d bring the wine glass to my mouth, my hand would shake like Michael J. Fox pouring milk into a teaspoon. This was only to be...
January 2013
5 posts
Pink Slip: Get It Out Of Your System Now →
pnkslip:
by Liz Monahan
It’s noon on a Tuesday and you’re sitting in a ratty t-shirt on your living room rug watching reruns of The Bachelor on Hulu. You don’t even like The Bachelor. That girl with one arm has an annoying voice. “So what, she has one arm. It doesn’t change the fact she only knows…
My new blog dedicated to the young and the restless (read: (f)unemployed). Check it...
The Price Toupee Simply Isn't Worth It
I wonder how many people regularly think to themselves, “Am I bat shit crazy?” I surmise that the people who most likely need clinical help rarely recognize that they even have a problem that needs addressing. But for those of us that do recognize this instability within ourselves, what do we do with this knowledge? The understanding that at any point in time, one little thing—be...
8 Things That Need To Stay Off Of Facebook: Round...
1. Sonograms. I don’t need to see your baby that early. It literally looks like the snacks they serve in Wisconsin.
2. Bruises and Cuts. If I wanted to see your injuries I’d work in an E.R. or watch re-runs of E.R. or go to an E.R. and pretend to be a doctor and walk around the waiting room like, “Can I take a picture of your bruises and cuts to keep and treasure?”
3.)...
The Ex-Factor
You know that daydream we all have where we run into our current boyfriend/girlfriend’s ex at a trendy café we frequent and his/her ex looks like crap and we play it really cool and are completely cordial and the ex ends up saying something along the lines of, “I can see why he chose you. Take care of him, he’s special. Also, you are very beautiful.”…?
Yeah, well...
Pink Slips Aren't As Sexy As Those Models Make...
They say it’s important to write about what you know. And what I’ve come to know most recently (read: unfortunately) is what it’s like to be laid off from a job you actually like. But I’m not here to blog about that, don’t worry, I’m tucking my miniature violin away as we speak. I want to talk about “my journey” up until this point. When I...
December 2012
3 posts
Its The End of The World As We Know It and I Feel...
Since the world is going to end tomorrow, it’s really gotten me to thinking about my soon-to-be-over life. To describe my current existence in a sentence or two would look something like: I’m Liz and I have end-of-the-world anxiety. Just kidding that’d be silly.
But, what if?
It’s kind of like when an atheist freaks out over airplane turbulence and starts thinking,...
I Can Still Hear You Saying You Will Never Break...
Last night I had my first real laugh since being laid off. I was standing in a red silk kimono in my kitchen, hair dripping wet from a recent shower. My roommate Phil stood near the bar, shirtless except for a gold chain that hung around his neck; clipping coupons and burping up gas from an old enchilada.
I was trying to detangle three necklaces that had become intertwined...
Fit of Uninhibited Laughter: #1
Once upon a time my cousin and I went to see Swan Lake for my 20th birthday. I don’t remember much about the performance other than the fact it was a professional ballet, most certainly put on by Russians — good stuff for sure.
We had a front-row, balcony seat and all was right with the world. Approximately 15 minutes before intermission,...
November 2012
3 posts
Casino Rhymes With Beano Because They Both [Deal...
From what I understand, the predisposition to gamble runs in my family. The predisposition to lose ridiculous amounts of money the first time a particular family member goes to a casino has not been recorded, however.
Until now.
OK, OK… I only lost 60 bucks, big whoop. But when you’re young and poor(ish) and trying to save for a dog your apartment...
October 2012
3 posts
Halloweenie
I love Halloween because I get to see two types of people A.) those that put a ton of effort into kickass costumes and B.) those that don’t give two craps about their costume, but give very many craps about getting L to tha A to tha I to tha D’d.
You have your clever costumes, your pop-culture costumes, your “This is my only chance to cross-dress” costumes, your “She’ll never know I actually...
Come Again?
I think our generation is going to go deaf.
Why?
More like: What?
I listen to my music too loudly. I do, and so do most of the people on the Green Line. And although that is neither here nor there, I’m thinking that this phenomena can’t be exclusive to myself and people with bedazzled Skullcandy headphones.
Maybe you do it in the privacy of your bedroom when you’re up late...
September 2012
6 posts
Go, Fight, Whine!
Ahh, that time of year. The time when leaves begin to consider what day they’ll turn crimson. When squirrels start going bat-shit crazy for acorns. When I start wondering if these old baggy sweaters are cool frumpy or regular frumpy. When Starbucks renews its commitment to the masses to serve endless Pumpkin Spiced Lattes. And finally, the season of the pigskin.
Ahh, football season,...
August 2012
4 posts
Humor Me
What is truly funny about some funny people is the all too often correlation between them being (or having been) extremely insecure and being generally self-centered.
Now when I say funny, I mean funny. Not entertaining, not clever, not witty. I’m talking, slap my knee, choke on my Sprite, I’m going to poop my pants from laughing, funny.
Here’s where the funny seed gets...
Cool, Calm, and Completely Insane
Do you ever have those moments when you’re being so ridiculous that you don’t even recognize who you are? It’s like seeing yourself drive straight into a brick wall as you watch from the curb like, “Why would I do that? I know how to drive. I’ve been driving for eight years. Who is this crazy me impostor?”
I have these moments a lot and sometimes I think...
Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking.
I’ve never read a book where the grief was so palpable, yet so beautifully noted.
July 2012
5 posts
J'adore Lots of Stuff
It’s hard to write about a trip to France without sounding braggy. It’s a vacation… so you can go either one of two ways when talking about it:
1.) Complain
2.) Brag
I’ll try to avoid both.
France was amazing. Or, more specifically, Bordeaux was amazing, Arcachon was amazing, Cap Ferret was amazing, Bayenne Biarritz was amazing, etc. etc. etc. The South of France is...
Spain In The Neck
A few random things since my journey to Bordeaux commenced…
Current status: I’m sitting on the floor of the airport in Madrid; butt numb, eyes droopy, excited as hell for my vacation, but physically incapable of showing it.
*
I can’t fall asleep on planes. Maybe it’s because the seats are never quite comfy enough or maybe because I can’t seem to forget that...
Up, Up, and Away
In a couple of days I’ll be headed to visit some friends in France. This has consequentially gotten me thinking about a couple of things, namely: wine, cheese, friendship, and flying alone.
It’s sad, I used to have such a romantic outlook on flying alone. I was very aware of how alone I was and I loved every second of it. I’d picture myself as the main character in my own...
I'm In Love With A Chipper: A Song By Akon's...
What is the female equivalent to a strip club?
You’ve got Chippendales, which evokes the memory of a certain tubby fat guy in a little coat dancing around stage.
Then, there’s Channing Tatum’s attempt to satisfy the estrogen-crazed masses with Magic Mike, a film which apparently features a good amount of female anatomy as well male (cough, cough, copout).
But honestly, the...
June 2012
6 posts
Where Was The Lifeguard?
Sunday is a perfect pool day because you’re either continuing a weekend of detoxification or recovering from doing quite the opposite.
There I was, at high noon on a Sunday (because I live in a Western), sitting by the pool in my apartment complex, finishing a book that makes me fear having children (because a.) they might annoy...
Ray Bradbury (1920-2012)
“The great thing about my life is that everything I’ve done is a result of what I was when I was 12 or 13.”
This is fantastic. If only we could all say this, the world would be full of a lot more ballerina queens and space ninjas. Or, in my case, a manager at a vintage boutique called Gross.
I Have A Bad Memory, But Only When I When I Want...
Remember when girls used to wear braids? In rows of one or two. We skipped around looking like a little pack of angels or maybe an equestrian team or perhaps both. Now we dye and straighten and dry… and dry and dry until we give up on our thinning hair and put it into a glorious bun that’s some parts cinnamon roll, more parts bird’s nest, no parts ballerina. Honestly, all those...
How I Survived The Cabin In the Woods
Memorial Day weekend I did something I haven’t done in a while.
I took a vacation.
Not only that, but, I took a vacation predominantly with people I barely knew.
On a scale of 1 to 10, I recommend this.
Things To Consider While On Vacation With Strangers Or People You’ve Met Twice:
1.) Aloe. You and everyone on the trip will get burnt. Some of you will get burnt on the first...
May 2012
5 posts
“Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying...”
– Jack Handy
A Brief Encounter with Metaphorical Scabs
They say that time heals all wounds. But then there are moments when you see the scab and you think to yourself, “this is probably old enough to pick without seeing blood.” Note to self: you are wrong. Leave that godforsaken scab the hell alone. It will dry up and crust off all by itself. And one day, many days from now, you will see a little dot from where the scab used to be and you...
Suck and Blow: A Lesson in Humility
“There’s always someone who has it worse.” - Someone
I saw a man on the metro the other day who was completely paralyzed from the chest down. He powered his electronic wheel chair by sucking or blowing into a straw which then, I assume, sent signals to his seat to move it accordingly.
I watched him my entire ride. Blow for forward. Suck for back.
He adjusted his chair at...
Jack Diddley, Verb: To Produce Methane and People...
Gyms have dynamics. Some are interesting. Some are disturbing. Some are intense. Mine is random, awkward, and hilarious.
***
The door slams as I walk into the teeny gym located on the first floor of my building. Everyone looks to see who interrupted their train of fitness-related thoughts. “Sorry,” I say with gritted teeth and a scrunched up face that I hope looks apologetic.
I...
